Ambivalent

Hey everyone! (I feel like I should have some sort of catchy intro to each post.. we will get there.) So it has been a while, this I know. I really appreciate those of you that have asked and pushed me to keep writing. I have had some bumps in the road, that really made me question what I was doing with this blog, but when it comes down to it, I am doing this for me. Yes, you are all a part of this too, but it is for me. It is therapeutic, and Lord knows that I need some therapy (but don’t we all?)

Today, is May 5th.

Today is not the typical tacos and margaritas celebration – that this country celebrates a battle in a country that we (as a country) don’t usually seem to care much about. But any excuse to drink, right America?

Now, if you have read my previous posts, you know that this is a day that has had major significance to me since 2009. This is the day that Big D and I started dating, got engaged, and got married. Given our situation, we obviously are not celebrating an anniversary.

Today is not a day of sadness.

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for the past that I have lived, I am grateful for where I am, and I am grateful for the opportunities that await me.

Today is bittersweet.

Bittersweet you may ask? I have heard so many of you ask how I am feeling about today. Bittersweet is always an answer that takes people back a little bit. Unexpected response, I suppose. Honestly, to me it is, as well.

Today has been a day of reflection.

Now I am not at a point that I want to even look back at my Facebook or Snapchat memories, for today specifically. I am not there mentally. Maybe I never will be. I mean I am able to look back on pictures all the time. I mean after all, I do have 12,000 pictures and counting. Yes, you read that number correctly.. twelve thousand. What can I say, I am a picture hoarder. I am even able to look back on wedding pictures, because I absolutely LOVE my dress, I had an absolute blast, and I looked amazing. I also threw one hell of a party, that people still talk about.

Today is the day that I look back on my life, with Big D, and think about where I am today. I can’t say that I would take any of it back, because it made me exactly who I am today, and I am really started to love that person. It has not been an easy path for me to get to where I am, but I am so incredibly proud of the person I now am.

Today is bitter. Today is bitter because it makes me think back on the times that I had together with big D, and think about how it came to a sudden halt. Never in my life did I think that I would have my happily ever after come to an end like it did. Never did I think I would be able to feel my heart rip out of its body and break into a million little pieces.

Today would have been 11 years that we would have celebrated being together, 7 years since we were engaged, and 2 years of marriage. Now, I celebrate over a year of not being together with him, and seeing just how far I have made it, on my own. To say it doesn’t hurt though, would be a lie.

Now I do not want this to be misconstrued in any way shape or form. I do not want to be back with Big D, not at all. This has been something that I have been very sure of for a while. There has even been situations where I have had that thought tested, and I remain in the same mentality, that I do not want to be back with him. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that everything is precise and perfectly placed. But that still does not mean that I do not carry around hurt in my heart because of the situation and events that led up to, and sometimes still happen with the break up.

There are some days, that I just want to HATE him. But I don’t. As an outsider looking in, this is something that is not usually understood. Sometimes I really hate that I don’t hate him. I think sometimes it would make my life a lot easier to just be hardened to the world, and be angry all the time about him and how my life turned out. I was listening to a pod cast the other day, and the speaker said something that really stuck with me. She said something along the lines of

“It is easier to be angry at a situation than to feel sadness or hurt. We are able to control the anger that we feel, we are not able to control the sadness or the hurt. So when we turn that emotion into anger, we are able to feel more control of ourself.”

I find this to be very true. I think provided that I was not pregnant with the witch baby during all of the break up, I would have reacted with anger. Took the easy way out, and potentially have it harder in the long haul. But I decided to do what I felt was right, suffer the most at first, to have life be easier for us in the long run. This I do not regret, not one second.

But anyways, when you spend basically 10 years with someone, especially during some of the most foundational years of your life, you build a friendship. We went through high school together, college, different careers, got married, had a kid. We were the people that not only had a marriage, but we shared a friendship. He was my best friend, someone that I always had in my corner no matter what life threw at me.. and there were times that life threw a lot at me. Now, we are still friends. I am not sure that I would say that we are best friends at this point. There is a lot that he does not know about me, and I do not know about him. But, we are still friends. I am not in love with him, but I do still love him. Does that make sense? He is the father of my child, he is still there to help me when I need it, and regardless of some of his actions, he is still a good person. Yes, I do realize that, that is something you would not expect me to say.

But for this reason, today is sweet.

I am still able to have a semi-normal relationship with my ex, I am able to co-parent (although this can be a struggle, we always circle back to doing what is best for the Witch Baby, because we will always put him first, and that means showing him that even though we do not fit the normal ‘family’ cloth, he still has 2 parents that love him so very much, and have a love for each other.. but God are some days hard to get past), I am able to talk about things going on in my life, and I am able to still have a relationship with his family which have grown to be, my family.

It is also sweet, because Big D and I decided that every year, we will take the opportunity to celebrate with the Witch Baby. A day that is not dedicated to our anniversary, but a day dedicated to ourselves and the Witch Baby, no significant others, no other kids, just us three. Spending some time together to just celebrate our family.

I realize that I do not fit the mold of probably anyone that you know. My life has been nothing shy of a telenovela. But, it has brought me to the here and now, and I am ok with that. I have come to terms with not needing approval from anyone other that myself. I am true to myself and what I believe is right. Somedays, I need to be reminded of this, but in the end, it is me that has to live my life, and it is me that I am looking to for approval.

Thank you to everyone who has pushed me to keep writing. I really need to do better. It is a learning curve in and of itself, let alone during this crazy time in the world.