It has been a while since I have really filled you all in with my life. While I am not at a point yet, that I am ready to really dive into the past, I am ready to talk about the future with a little past sprinkled in here and there.
More often than not, I find myself drawn to this computer to just purge my brain. Why the lack of blog posts then? I don’t really have a good answer for that. I get inside my head, and then I don’t want to post it. Another thing, is that I really haven’t learned the art of picking up where I left off, in terms of this blog. It is kind of like an all or nothing kind of thing. I either have to do the post all in one night, at least all of the main points, or it is hard for me to pick it back up.
But, blogging in and of itself is draining. You wouldn’t think so, or at least I didn’t think so before I started my own blog. I remember, I would have many conversations encouraging the Beast to write more. He has such a way with words, and I love reading his blog. He would always tell me how the timing had to be just right, and that he really had to focus on it. He would have to let me know when he was blogging, so I wouldn’t be a distraction. I didn’t always, but I completely understand this now. It is so hard to have a conversation with someone, and simultaneously focus on writing the blog. When I am writing this blog, it is exhausting. Mentally. Emotionally. And sometimes physically. Tears are almost always shed. Emotions of all sorts are felt.
I’m not complaining. In fact, it has been one of the most helpful ways to process through my emotions. Sometimes when I am feeling anxious or upset and unsure of the cause, I will start blogging, journalling, or sometimes even drawing.. and the problems always come out in some way, and then I am able to focus in on that thing, in order to work through it.
So far my blog posts have focused in on some really heavy topics. I am happy to continue writing those blogs. They are heavy, but I also love the feeling of relief I get when I finally hit ‘publish’. I have also decided that I am going to try and write a little less heavy posts. Some that deal a little more with the everyday thoughts. A type of ‘brain dump’ mixed with ‘current events of my life/my world’.
I am super grateful for all of the support I have continued to receive. Some of you reach out by text. Facebook Messenger. Comments. Likes. And I even have a select few of you that share my posts for others on your friend lists to read. I appreciate it all. I love the feedback. Good and bad. I want to hear it all. I am also open to suggestions about topic ideas too.. like Brittney’s take on ‘xyz’. So for those of you that even just open this to read it.. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I have set a kind of goal for myself this year. I want to write at least 20 blog posts. When I was talking to the Beast about this, his response was “Only 20?” I know I would probably have said the same thing. Especially if you knew how fast my brain goes, or how much I have to say about things.. but my response was that I only produced 9 posts in 2020, so I wanted to make it a higher goal this year, but more attainable. We will see how this goes, but I am really hoping for more, but you know.. sometimes life happens.
So anyways.. here is an update on life in general, in no particular order of importance..
Witch Baby – he is officially a year and a half. It is hard to believe that it has been 18 full months that he has been outside of my belly. He has taught me more about myself than I ever needed to know. I will forever be thankful for him, because he has helped me through more in these 18 months, than he will ever be able to comprehend.
I love watching him grow. He is such a smart little thing, and I love watching the wheels turn. He loves reading, and glows when I ask him if he wants me to read him a book. Last week, we had no tv or music on (a rarity in my apartment.. I don’t like the quiet).. I was curled up on the couch reading a book.. he looked at me, piled about 10ish books next to me.. climbed up next to me.. and we just read. I may or may not have taken a minute to hide my tears of joy. He just makes my heart so full.
He and I are currently learning some ASL signs, and use them with each other. My goal is that we will be able to continue using ASL throughout our entire lifetimes. He loves food and helping me make dinners. And one of the best things, is that he finally likes to cuddle. I usually only get morning cuddles while he watches cartoons in bed with me, but I will take them any ways that I can.
My grandparents still watch him when Big D and I are working. I am not sure who likes this more… him or them. He loves his ‘papa’ more than most. Between the two of them, I am not sure who loves who more… and to think that I thought I had my grandpa wrapped around my finger.. Theo has a tourniquet in comparison. It is truly a blessing to be able to watch their bond grow stronger and stronger every day.
Family – Oh boy, this is a touchy one for me. If you have read my previous post.. you know that I am currently working on forming and maintaining healthy boundaries. This is especially hard when it comes to family and my COVID worries. I have communicated my thoughts and expectations for family that sees either me and/or the Witch Baby. Some people have chosen that they do not want to deal with them. To each their own. I know I can’t control everyone and what they do, but I have boundaries, and I am sticking to them. This has caused me to not see Momma Bear for over a month. Not even a single call. (For those of you that know us, we usually talk to each other on the phone 3-4 times a day) There was a big falling out between us, and there were many things that were said, that will take some time to come back from… if we ever do come back from them. This upsets me the most because of the Witch Baby. He loves her, and loves to be around her.. But, until I can receive a sincere apology and see change, I, unfortunately, am not sure I see this changing. It isn’t that I don’t want my relationship back with Momma Bear, but I refuse to enable behavior that is toxic to me and/or the Witch Baby. But, for now, I am working on focusing on the people that I do have in my life, and respect me enough to communicate with me.
I speak with my Sissy and her boyfriend (I need a fun nickname for him) pretty regularly. In fact, I will be going on a day trip to go visit her next weekend. It is a day trip because she lives a couple hours away from me, and having Witch Baby in the car for long periods of time, is not always the easiest. As far as my brother, Ronaldo Fanboy, things have been good.. not much to report on. I don’t speak with him much, we kind of just do our own thing, but have a good time when we do see each other, like when I pop into the grocery store and he is working.
One relationship that has been doing really well recently, is the one with Daddy-O. Things have not always been good with him, but again, that is a story for a different day. We have come along way, and I am grateful for that. Witch Baby and I have gone over there for a few dinners here and there for no special reason.. just enjoying company (and venison). He has helped me move a few things from my old storage shed, to the new, fix a couple hardware things around the apartment, and he even has been there to listen to me vent about a few things. This relationship isn’t something that I would consider to be super close, but it is closer than we have ever really been. I am definitely not complaining. It has been years since we have ever really had any kind of relationship, so to see this one evolving, is something new.
My grandparents are also in my ‘bubble’ of people that I see on the regular. They do watch the Witch Baby, most days. I do spend a lot of time over there as well… then again, I have my whole life. I always chose to spend time at my grandparents versus staying at home. It was my escape. It still is. When it feels like my apartment walls are caving in, it is a place I can go.. a change in scenery, in good company, and away from COVID. Some days, even when I want to just spend the day at home.. the Witch Baby, has other plans for us.. he wants to see ‘Papa’, and will walk over to put his shoes on, and walk to the door.. saying ‘Papa’ or asking where Papa is, until we go for a visit. I’m not one to stop that bond.. and I get it.. I was doing the same thing when I was younger.
Friendships – Although, I do not really go out much, I have been maintaining friendships, mostly virtually. I am not opposed to going and seeing some people, or having people over here.. but depending on how they handle certain aspects of their life, things have tended to be a little more virtual than not.
One thing that I really look forward to are game nights. Martha and I have discovered the fantastic game, known as, Villainous. We have been known to spend an entire weekend playing 20+ rounds of this game. These games nights are so much more than just the game.. they have become vent sessions, heart to hearts, laughing that we almost pee our pants, and fun with no strings attached to it.. another form of escape for a short while. Most people think that we are crazy with our minor obsession with the game, but unless you have played it.. you really wouldn’t understand it.
Friendships are a strange thing to me sometimes. Each friend plays such an important and vital role in my life, but all so differently. Like when I want someone to hype me up and share some of my strangest thoughts, I tend to lean towards Love Bug. When I have some really deep questions or ‘out there’ thoughts, need unbiased advice, or just a great conversation, I can always count on the Beast. Then I have people, like OG, Martha, and Louise that I am able to go to for everyday kind of rants. They are the ones that have really seen all sides of me.. and yet, these three are similar, yet very different. Regardless of who they are, I am forever grateful for everything they have done for me, and the role they continue to play in my life.
Work – This one is really hard to write about. My mind sometimes can not fathom the work that is happening in the education realm. I absolutely love my job. I can not picture myself doing anything else. I love my students this year, and the grade level I am teaching. Still, I am teaching virtually. It just is not the same as being in person. I am not advocating for one side or the other.
There is a plan for us to go back to school, once the vaccine is available to teachers.. not that we have to take the vaccine, but it is at least available to us. To me, I am not sure I have a preference to be virtual or face to face at this point. I see the pros and cons to both.. along with anxieties that come with each side. I most definitely care about the safety of me, and inadvertently, the Witch Baby. As long as things are safe enough (key word) I am not sure that I am opposed to go back. In a few months, it will be a full year that I have been teaching virtually. Things are definitely different than anything college could have prepared me for. This is my 6th year teaching, and I am not sure anyone could have seen this coming.
I did receive an email from a co-worker last week. It was an email just letting me know that she enjoyed my presence and the chance of getting to know me more this year. This completely caught me off-guard… in the best way. It was a very sincere email, and completely made my day.. week even. It got me to thinking, that I really want to work on going outside of my comfort zone, to share positive messages with others as well. It came on a day when I needed it the most, and I am sure that others also would like a nice uplifting message, when they least expect it.. work related or not.
Mental Health – This is a long time coming. If you have read prior posts, I have shared that I have been diagnosed with PPD and PPA. Back in early March of 2020 (pre-COVID) I was put on a waiting list for behavioral health (therapist and psychiatrist). Well, finally, after 10 months did I receive a call to schedule my appointments.
I am seeing a therapist starting next week. I am not sure what it will entail. To be honest, I am pretty nervous about it. Don’t get me wrong.. I think more people should talk to a counselor or therapist.. and more regularly.. not just when things get bad. But I also know it can be a chore to find a person to talk to, that clicks with you. I don’t want to have to go through the whole rig-a-ma-roll.. just to find out that we don’t click. Reliving some of my past is also something that makes me nervous. I know that it will help, and that it is healthy to be able to talk through some of those things, but it takes a lot out of me. I just don’t want it to be for nothing. I don’t want to have to repeat the process multiple times. I am just hoping that it goes well the first time. I can hope, can’t I?
Coparenting – This definitely has its challenges, but overall we manage. There have been a few bumps in the road, but working on communication has proven to be effective for us. I am glad that we tend to be on the same page as far as parenting goes, and that we have been learning how to work through disagreements more often than not. We make it work for the Witch Baby though, and for that, I am thankful.
Overall – I’m doing ok. There are days I am thriving, and days that I am not. Days when I am learning and practicing different things in a spiritual sense, and days when I don’t do much at all. Some days I spend working through emotions and some where I bottle them up. I am working on healing in more than one aspect in my life. I am dealing with generational trauma. I am learning. I am growing. I am finding my way.