Get Walking…

Describe the road you’re currently traveling and how the quote on this page speaks to you and your present situation.

“It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” – Rumi

Welcome to the first of many in my A Journey Within series. With this first prompt, I am a little nervous writing this. Why? I have no idea. It is not like this is my most vulnerable post, in fact the whole idea of this blog is rooted in my vulnerability. It is me becoming comfortable to share my truths with the world, so the world is not able to hold it against me. I am not ashamed of my past, and I am proud of where I am today.. which kind of leads me right into this prompt.

I want to start this prompt out by kind of dissecting my life a little bit, to understand where I currently stand, in turn finding out where I am traveling to.

Let’s start out with my pride and joy – The Witch Baby and motherhood. My baby is a few months shy of two, and I am loving every moment of it, even the rough days. The older my baby gets, the more I enjoy spending time with him. I love being able to just sit back and watch him interact with the world. He loves animals, which prompted me to get a zoo pass. We have already been there quite a few times, and he loves every minute. I love watching his face light up when he sees animals. He has the kindest soul and loves to interact with all of the animals.

He is also becoming way more independent, and likes to do his own thing, as long as I am in his line of sight. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way right now. He is a mama’s boy, and I will treasure every minute of that. Besides anything to do with animals, he loves playing with trucks and cars. He will push his little Cabbage Patch baby doll around in a dump truck he has. He loves to crash them into each other, and drive the little Hot Wheel cars up and down my legs. His legos and building blocks are another toy that I enjoy watching him play. He is learning every day, and loves to point out colors, animals and their sounds, and is starting to really understand the world around him. It just brings my heart so much joy to be able to watch him grow up and see the person he is becoming.

Along with motherhood comes co-parenting. Knock on wood, but this has been one of the easier points in my life. Ironic, considering that this is the person that completely flipped my world upside down, and you always hear about how hard it is to co-parent. Now, don’t get me wrong, Big D and I have had our fair share of ups and downs throughout our co-parenting journey, but we seem to have gotten to a good middle ground.

To kind of prove to ourselves, and continue the May 5th tradition (for those of you just coming in – this is the day we started dating, got engaged, and also got married) we spend it together with the Witch Baby. It has become a day that is dedicated to him, to allow him to see that even if his parents aren’t together, that he still has us both, that we are a united front, and that we all don’t have to exist in separate realms. I realize that it doesn’t make sense to many, and sometimes we even kind of question it, but it works for us, and I like that we have a tradition for the Witch Baby.

In terms of my family outside of the Witch Baby, things have definitely shifted. It is weird to reflect on sometimes, because if you would have told me a few years ago that I would be where I am today, in terms of family, (or life even) I would have laughed in your face. But this is my current reality, and although there are somethings that I would like to be different, I am definitely appreciating the ones that are here for me now.

This with Daddy-O have been going very well. I enjoy spending time with him, I love watching him interact with Witch Baby, our conversations always leave me feeling refreshed. One thing that I really appreciate about conversations with my father is that he is educated and is able to have an open-minded conversation. Conversations do not always have to be superficial or about something that only hits the surface level. I can talk to him about things that are so much more than that. I have missed that. On the other hand, I have gone 5 months without speaking to Momma Bear. Things with us have turned even worse from the last time that I have written a blog post updating about my life. (I will get more into this situation in another post).

I have kind of taken a step back from a lot of people in my family, some intentional, and some not. In doing this, it has allowed me to really focus on people that are invested in the relationship we have, and others have just been left to dwindle out. At first this was hard for me, but I realized that I was burning myself out trying to fill up everyone else’s bucket, while leaving my own bone dry.

Work definitely has had its fair share of challenges. I am working back in the classroom, with 75% of my class in person, while also simultaneously teaching the other 25% virtually. I am very glad to be back in my classroom and have human interaction again, but the burn out is hitting hard. I am very grateful for the work friends that have turned into some of my best friends. There is no way that I would have been able to survive this year without them. The school year is coming to a close, but I will be jumping right back in, teaching summer school. This is the first summer that I will not have “off” like I have in other years. I did make sure to be able to section off some of my time to be able to spend with Witch Baby.

One of the last parts I feel that is work mentioning in my life is therapy. Those of you that are in my daily life know that I attend therapy. I have absolutely no shame in this, in fact I am very proud that I have been able to find a therapist that I mesh well with, and follow through with appointments. Although there has not been one appointment that I have gone to and left without crying at least once, I actually really enjoy it. I feel that I have been able to notice a change in my outlook, the way I process things, and the way I react to situations, but I am just one person, and may be a little biased. The one thing that really encourages me to continue with therapy is that I have had a good handful of people that I am close to in my life comment on those same things. Noting that therapy is really paying off because I would not have done xyz, had I never been in therapy, and that I must be applying and implementing therapy things into my life.

In all of these aspects – motherhood, co-parenting, family, work, therapy, and beyond – I have different challenges and successes. In all of those aspects, I have amazing supports. Amazing. But they are just that, supports. They are not the one putting in all of the work to attend therapy and be vulnerable. They are not the ones that are firsthand going through the different emotions dealing with my family and my emotions that I am feeling. They are not the ones that are sitting in my classroom day in and day out. They are not dealing with my hardships of motherhood and co-parenting.

They are there to walk along with me. I am putting in all of the work. I am the one that is making hard decisions. I am the one that is responsible for myself. If I chose to give up on an aspect of my life, those people will be there to support me (or disapprove) but either way, they will not be the one giving up. There are a lot of things in this lifetime that I have the power to change that will affect my life. At the end of the day, I am the one that has complete control of myself. Some days this is easier than others, but it still needs to be done.

As always, thank you for reading, and partaking in the journey of finding my way. I appreciate all of the love and support. ♥️

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