“Have you found your way yet?”
No. Not even close.
Some days I actually seem more lost than when I started. In so many ways, I have grown and I am so incredibly proud of my growth. Where I am. What I have become. What I am becoming. But man, life is hard. I am always navigating. Always adjusting. Challenges are always pushing me to my limits and testing my own boundaries.
This year I have been pushed to my limits and have been forced out of my comfort zone in many different aspects of my life. Life as a mom, a girlfriend, a friend, a family member. I am not upset by the universe forcing me out of my comfort zone.. mostly. But it hasn’t been an easy ride.
In the last few months, I have been very sick. I am going on 11 continuous weeks of something. It started with a cold. Then, on to an upper respiratory infection, an ear infection, bronchitis, laryngitis, impetigo, and anything else in between. The problem is, it has been continuous. They overlap and run into each other. My body has not had time to recover. Just when I start to feel on the uprise of things, I get hit again. I have been on antibiotics, steroids, and lots of vitamins to boost my immune system.
On top of being physically sick and drained, I am mentally drained. As my body consumes its energy to heal itself, it does not have a lot to give to mental tasks. Emotions run on high when I am tapped out. It all starts to wear down on me .It makes minor inconveniences feel like a crisis. I fully recognize it when it happens, but it feels like I have no control of it. Or at least, I don’t have the same control over my thoughts and emotions as I would like to have. And to top it off, I am tired. So tired. I could sleep all the time if my body would let me… not in a concerning type of way. The problem is, life doesn’t let me. I still have to take care of Punky, I have to work, an apartment to maintain, laundry to do, I have to communicate to some degree with people. But the bedtimes come earlier, and the naps come as often as time will allow.
It does leave me feeling guilty sometimes. Even though I know I need to take care of myself before I fill other cups, it leaves a weird feeling. I haven’t been as social as I would like. I have had to cancel plans. I have had to decline outings. I haven’t seen some of my closest people in a long time. In situations like this, I am SO grateful for technology that allows me to text, call, Snapchat, or use other social media to communicate and still check in with everyone. I fully realize it isn’t the same, but it’ll do for now.
I have still been doing the best to maintain my life as it is. As Punky gets older and becomes more aware of life, he surprises more and more. His vocabulary, his understandings, his connections, his everything. Blows me away. I am always in awe of what he does, says, or thinks. Being his mom is for sure my biggest and proudest accomplishment to this day.
Work has been interesting. Being a teacher is rough. Especially since COVID. The education system is seeing new patterns and experiencing new trends with the students. It has been a challenge to try and meet the needs of everyone while still doing all that is expected. Class sizes, needs of students, curriculum, assessments. It’s all there. This school year I took on a challenge to help me grow.. a student teacher. To say it has been easy, would be a lie. I like control. I have had to learn to give up some control, mentor someone that has a different outlook on things than me. Those outlooks aren’t wrong, they are just different than how I have run things. It’s been a challenge. Starting after break I am transitioning back into being the lead teacher and and transitioning him out of that role. At the end of January he will be done, and it will be back to just me. It has been a good experience in the way that is has pushed me out of my comfort level, it has made me be very cognizant of the decisions make, and why I make them. It has also allowed me time to work on different projects that I have taken on.
Now with the holidays here, things seem to be pushing me into more of a fast pace mentality. Managing schedules, making sure I bring the appropriate things to the right places, social batteries draining. For the remainder of the year I am going to focus on making sure I am still maintaining boundaries, staying regulated, and staying in the present.